At the Crossroads

It seems these days I have at least one existential crisis a week. In general, the “post grad” stage seems to be nothing but one big existential crisis. After four years of having an answer when people ask who I am – “I’m an English major” – and four years of being able to justify my bad/gross/lazy behavior with four simple words – “I’m a college student” – I have been plunked into a new world (the real one, so they say), armed with nothing but a diploma and a lot of unanswered questions.

I will be the first to admit that I have no idea who I am; less so now than ever. I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, trying to figure out what direction to go and hoping I’ll find a little bit of myself along the way.

I feel completely overwhelmed and unorganized. All I know is I need to get unstuck and push forward in one direction or another. I am tired of sitting still, and I’m worried that the longer I’m in this rut, the more likely it is that I’ll never get out. I just wish I knew where to start.

I never thought it would be this hard.

The Foot of the Stairs

Starting out is both terrifying and liberating; strangely, for the same reason – everything is still unknown.

On a sunny day in June, I gathered with the people who had seen me through the last four years,  switched the tassel to the other side of my mortar board, and began my relationship with the unknown.

Four months later, as I try to find a job, get my own place, learn how to cook, and otherwise become a bona fide adult, I can only hope that I am climbing the stairs in the right direction. The funny thing about the unknown is that it does not tell you what you are headed for;  whether you are on the verge of a discovery or impending doom. Truly, “there is nothing to do but try for courage, one stair and then the next and hope for vision…”