Frigid Bitch

Disclaimer: Before I get into this, I’d like to say that “Hitch” was cute, I fully understand that it is A MOVIE, and I’m sure love can be wonderful (I know love can be wonderful). I am just feeling particularly cynical tonight.

 

I’ve gotten recommendations from a few people to see the movie “Hitch,” so when it was on TV tonight, I decided to watch it.

I expected a normal chick flick with a predictable chick flick plot: boy and girl meet, boy and girl fall for each other, boy and girl have a misunderstanding that leaves one of them feeling betrayed, boy and girl make up, kiss, and live happily ever after.

What I got was…a normal chick flick with a predictable chick flick plot. What I got that I didn’t expect was that it actually hurt to watch it.

Maybe it’s the frigid bitch in me, but I found myself believing the arguments for not falling in love and not allowing yourself to get hurt more than the “love conquers all” argument presented at the end.

After a break-up, people always try to comfort you with the notion that even if a relationship caused you pain, it was worth it for the happiness it once brought you; the whole “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” idea.

When I think back on my relationship with The Ex (from this post) though, all of the happy times (and they were truly happy times) added together just don’t seem worth the way I felt when I was finally able to say “I love you” for the first time, he told me he “couldn’t love,” and my heart learned what it feels like to break. To be honest, very little seems worth going through that ever again.

And now, months later, as I look at a man who is decent and good to me and know that I have been hurt to the point where I don’t know if I can trust again, love just doesn’t seem worth it.

And yet, I know that just like everybody else, I will do it all again, because that’s what people do.

Sometimes, I wonder why.

“4, 3, 2, 1, I’m Letting You Go”

You think it’s going to be easy; a simple “I don’t think we should do this anymore” and it’s over, like ripping off a Band Aid. You think that after all the times he’s let you down, after the slow deterioration of what was once the best relationship of your life into something barely akin to tolerance, you’ve built up enough of a shield that it won’t hurt anymore.

But it hurts. Deep down to the tips of your toes it hurts, even if the pain is dulled. It hurts to accept that something you once knew – something that once made you so happy – is over. It hurts to know that you will wake up tomorrow truly alone.

As much as you try to blot them out with the times he screwed up, the memories of when things were good, when you felt right together creep into your consciousness like music you can’t tune out.

I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. We have a complicated history together, which I’m afraid I don’t have the energy to write about in detail. Long story short, we dated for a while, broke up, didn’t have any contact for about three months,  tried a (bullshit) friendship, and then got back together two days before graduation. He lives about four-and-a-half hours away, so it was long distance the second time around.

He’s the first man I ever fell in love with; a part of me will always love him. I can admit to myself  now though that I haven’t been in love for a very long time and that even if I were, sometimes, love – especially when it’s one-sided – is not enough.

I feel like this was a long time coming and in that respect, it was actually easier. I know that eventually I will know that I made the right decision. I am hopeful that I will wake up in the morning clear for the first time in a long time.

I just have to make it through tonight first.